laura loves life

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Mon, 20 May 2013 22:33:10 -0400

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Mon, 20 May 2013 22:33:04 -0400

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Mon, 20 May 2013 22:32:25 -0400

Hesitate - Steve Moakler

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:02:32 -0400

Hesitate - Steve Moakler

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Sun, 19 May 2013 00:15:01 -0400

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Sun, 19 May 2013 00:02:50 -0400

Sing Loud - David Dunn

Sat, 18 May 2013 13:41:43 -0400

Sing Loud - David Dunn

looking up

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:32:50 -0400

Once again, life is going by fast these days.

In this week alone, I’ve booked two trips for the summer with friends and I’m sooo excited! It made me realize that it’s been a good 5 years since I had a summer completely to myself. Summer school and jobs always got in the way, I guess. haha so it’s going to be a wonderful summer. :)

There are only 3 weeks standing between me and summer. All of my college friends just recently got out for summer and I’m just aching to be done too. Even though I know that the second I leave school and take down and pack up all my teaching stuff, that I’ll miss it dearly. Life has a habit of doing that… always making you want what you cannot have.

I can’t just say that these past few months have been easy. In fact they have been some of the most trying of my life! My family is going through a lot on both sides. And it’s really hard for me honestly. It’s hard to sit by and see one side of my family fighting when so much of my life has been this way. I’ve grown up with and do have incredible parents who are each both amazing role models, yet in their marriages, things have been falling a part. My mom divorced my step dad about 2 years ago, but I still hold a ton of hurt from that, the kind of hurt that I didn’t even know was there. And my dad and step mom are also going through the fire in their relationship. I love them both, so much, too! It hurts me deeply to see them hurting as a result of each other. I want to fix it! My goodness, if I could do anything, I would want to fix it. So badly.

But all this has also made me realize that I was in no condition to give my heart to a man because I know I still have things to work on in my heart when it comes to the men who are already in my life, dad and Jay. I truly don’t know what a good, solid marriage looks like. I know that the church is the bride of Christ and we can look to Him as our example, but the people I grew up with, day in and day out, did not love each other in that way. It’s messy. It’s scary and it makes me terrified of marriage. It makes me terrified of dating. There are walls that are now there, that weren’t before as a result. And I kept (keep) thinking of my past relationships as failures, yet they did not fail in the way that Jesus did bring me further to Himself. So in that way, I don’t regret anything. Yet… it scares me that I allowed myself to give so much of my heart to something, someone, rather than God. Especially to someone who doesn’t know me as well as He does!

So, yes… I’m extremely guarded with my feelings. I don’t want to be an open book anymore. And for the first time in forever, it’s been hard for me to write all of this down. But I think maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I’m reaching for something deep here. Perhaps something I didn’t even know or see before. And all I can do is keep looking up.

"If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it."

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:28:59 -0400

“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.”

- C.S Lewis (via keep-it-rural)

floralls: (by v.a.l.e.n)

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:28:30 -0400

floralls:

(by v.a.l.e.n)

I will follow you

Fri, 03 May 2013 22:17:48 -0400

So much has been on my heart lately. It’s hard to find words that make sense!

This has been such a sweet time in my life. I wouldn’t say easy by any means, but still so sweet. I am finding love and joy in my Savior and it brings me such peace to know He is here with me. “Do not fear for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10) has been on my heart so much lately. I think sometimes I forgot that He is still here. It’s easy to run to Jesus when I am hurt or alone, but it’s in the simple, minute moments that sometimes I forget. Before, it was so easy to write off my need for Him when I thought “I am saved. He forgives me. I can move on.” Yes… there is truth in that statement. However, it’s my constant and continual need and running to Him that grows my heart. He never gives up on us, so we should never give up on Him. My tendency is to run from God when I feel like I don’t measure up, when I give in, when I let flesh rule my heart and soul, when I define myself by men or by boys I liked or dated or by what my co-workers and friends and family think of me. I let the world define HIS love for me.

Hold up.

I let the world. I let the world in to my heart. I let the world in to my heart that belongs to the Lord alone. Rather than letting him reveal my heart to man, I’m letting myself reveal my heart to man. Rather than protecting and guarding against all the things that tear me down, I let them/it/things define my self-worth.

The only one allowed to judge the human heart is the one who made it.

It’s a hard thing for me to admit and it is never easy. Just like any addiction, I have spent so much of my life fueled by the boys I liked. I can’t remember a time in my life, perhaps besides now, where I didn’t have some crush, relationship, future-planning going on in my heart and in my life. Until now, where all I can see is Jesus. I think the reasons why things have not worked out is that my heart and my eyes have been set on horizontal things rather than the vertical. I’ve let comparison steal every ounce of joy I had. I would compare myself to my ex’s new girlfriends and beat myself up over and over by the fact that I just was not good enough. I had thoughts of changing who I was to match that or a sense of grief that I couldn’t be that for them. In every circumstance, I was always forced (within the relationship) to change who I was. And then the breaking point sets in and I can no longer do the things I love and then I fall and it all falls a part and I grieve and cry and get upset over small insignificant memories rather than running to my Savior. All because the world says we are not good enough.

I am less concerned now with the desires of my heart as much as what the Lord is doing through my desires. He’s working it all for his good. I’m praying that He takes these feelings of doubt and failure out of my life to show me that He IS GOOD. When there is nothing good in me, He is good. When I am not who I want to be, He is good. When I am at my worst, He is good. Constant. Never-changing. All-consuming. Loving. Holy. Worthy.

Because HE is worthy, I am worthy. I can take on his character and be who He wants me to be: called, loved, holy. And this does not always mean our world’s definition of “happy” because I’ve honestly never felt so alone in that sense.

Elisabeth Elliot says that happiness as defined by the world means exemption from suffering. The second we suffer, we lose happiness. But I know the Lord is making me trust him and obey him. By whatever means He chooses, I will follow him. I will not give in. I will stop beating myself up. I will stop cutting myself with lies and hurt and I will learn to walk in His goodness when I cannot find any in myself.

“God never denies us our heart’s desire except to give us something better.”

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Fri, 03 May 2013 20:54:58 -0400

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Fri, 03 May 2013 20:07:31 -0400

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Fri, 26 Apr 2013 20:54:46 -0400

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Fri, 26 Apr 2013 20:53:34 -0400

your chains will never fall until you do...

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 20:00:24 -0400

What a crazy few weeks it’s been!

It seems like all I’ve been doing is GO GO GOING everywhere all the time 24/7. I love this life though and I wouldn’t trade any of these moments for anything.

School is coming to a steady, yet slow end and in a lot of ways, in terms of teaching, I have no idea what I’m doing. I keep thinking that if a veteran music teacher walked into my room and observed me, they’d say “you’re doing that?!?!” “Why?” “What about this or that other thing?” Yet… there’s no one like that and even my principal trusts me beyond that. So it’s both crazy awesome and crazy scary that I’m doing this all on my own. My judgment, my call, my ideas, my hard work, no one else’s. So for now, I am doing the best I can with all I have. I’m trying to give over and beyond. In terms of my personal life/dating life/friendships being sort of stagnant right now, I’m devoting more time to the Lord and putting all my energy into my job. For me, I love it. It’s not intense or extremely overwhelming. It’s not frustrating or annoying. I love my job so much. I love where I’m at.

I spoke at an event for my alma mater this weekend to music education students coming through the program that I just graduated from. I spoke about interviewing, and getting certified, and hired, and my first few months of teaching. It put a lot of things in perspective for me. But I couldn’t help but be joyful talking about my life and what I do. I got through college and thought I’d worked harder than I ever had, and then I got my job. It’s like everything multiplied times a trillion bagillion-something and now instead of going 390257932750932 miles an hour, I’m going 390257932750933 miles an hour. (Yes, I re-typed all those numbers to make a point. You’re welcome.)

And here I am doing more planning, yet procrastinating but writing again.

There has been so very much on my heart lately. I’m dealing with a lot of past hurt that I’ve been storing up for days, months, and some years too! It’s been hard to finally look it in the face, but I’m going to be okay. I know that God’s called me to something and I’m doing that and I feel joy even when I’m sad or scared or afraid of circumstances in my life. Jesus kind of outdoes all those things and triumphs over them for me. And I can finally breathe again.

The chains are falling, but it sure did take a lot for me to realize I had the key.

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Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:15:49 -0400

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Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:13:44 -0400

Keep Your Eyes Open (Acoustic version) - NEEDTOBREATHE

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:56:59 -0400

Keep Your Eyes Open (Acoustic version) - NEEDTOBREATHE

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Wed, 17 Apr 2013 19:43:01 -0400